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It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…