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Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.