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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
for every like, I will fart on my wife face