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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?