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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?