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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.