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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often