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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.