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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.