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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.