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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?