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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.