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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.