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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.