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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.