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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.