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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.