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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......