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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
My cardio is shopping.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?