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Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.