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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime