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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.