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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"