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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.