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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
This patience thing takes forever.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.