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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.