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I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"