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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Hash browns not tags.
Being alive is so expensive.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.