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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.