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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.