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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.