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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly