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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.