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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!