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Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
The well behaved rarely make history.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.