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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.