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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.