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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...