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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.