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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?