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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.