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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.