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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there