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"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/