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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...