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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?