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You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Plan B includes margaritas.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Real friends show me their boobs
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check