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We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.