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They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.