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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you