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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.