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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Sweating is for people who do stuff.