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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.