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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.