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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.