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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...